The Politics has inadvertently been copied into an official briefing note for Anthony Albanese’s feverishly anticipated meeting with the US president. Naturally we’re sharing it with you. Here it is in full:
Prime Minister,
The president’s standing
As you may be aware, a primary support base for Donald Trump firmly believes that the country is controlled by satan-worshipping paedophiles who have infiltrated the White House and other arms of executive power. Mr Trump’s supporters have no evidence for this beyond a series of cryptic messages allegedly left on the dark web by a highly placed operative known as “Q”. For political reasons, Mr Trump has actively encouraged his supporters (the QAnon/MAGA complex) to accept this theory because it posits that he alone has the power to vanquish the satan-worshippers. It is worth noting Mr Trump’s FBI director, Kash Patel, is a QAnon believer and has drawn up a list of Democrats and officials he considers should be pursued.
In this context, the death of the wealthy financier Mr Jeffrey Epstein, who allegedly committed suicide while in prison, has raised significant issues for Mr Trump. Mr Epstein was at the centre of a network of high-powered individuals including Prince Andrew and (for a period) Mr Trump and faced charges of sex trafficking minors, said to involve “dozens of underage girls”. QAnon/MAGA asserts that Mr Epstein represents the very kind of evil which Mr Trump should fully expose, with some supporters pointing to “missing” minutes of video from the cell where Mr Epstein (allegedly) killed himself. (You may see similarities with the “missing” recordings of the JFK assassination.) QAnon/MAGA demands a full investigation and the release of all files, including a reported “client list” put together by Mr Epstein.
Mr Trump has, in turn, alleged that the Epstein case is a “hoax”, is being fanned by Democrats, and that he has nothing to hide about his relationship with Mr Epstein. (You may see similarities with Mr Trump’s reaction to the “Hollywood tapes” in which he suggested he simply “grabbed” females he was attracted to.) As a further caution on Mr Trump’s denials, it should be noted there is video circulating on the internet showing him and Mr Epstein together, looking on at a group of young girls who are dancing in a highly sexual manner. Others in Mr Trump and Mr Epstein’s circle have given first-hand accounts of the two men partying with young women at Mr Trump’s Florida mansion. Mr Trump told New York magazine in 2002 that Epstein “likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side”.
It is to be noted at this stage that American evangelical Christian leaders have maintained their support for Mr Trump. (We intend to contact your predecessor, Mr Morrison, to gain insights into the Christian reaction to the Epstein saga.)
Intervention of Mr Murdoch
You may also be aware that Mr Trump has launched legal proceedings against The Wall Street Journal (owned by Murdoch interests) as well as Mr Rupert Murdoch. Mr Trump has demanded US$10 billion in damages over an article which alleges that he wrote a note to Mr Epstein marking Mr Epstein’s 50th birthday. The note ends with the line: “Happy Birthday — and may every day be another wonderful secret.” The words of the note are accompanied by a drawing allegedly done by Mr Trump of a naked woman. Mr Trump’s forest-like signature in black ink is placed beneath the woman’s waist.
At this stage it is unknown if the case will proceed to court or whether it is an attempt by Mr Trump to force a settlement from Mr Murdoch. You may be aware that the owners of the CBS program 60 Minutes paid Mr Trump US$16 million in damages to compensate for Mr Trump’s hurt feelings about the way he said the program had edited an interview with Democrat presidential candidate Kamala Harris. The network’s owners have since announced they have cancelled The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, a top-rating program which has consistently mocked Mr Trump.
Media representation
As you will be aware, it is not uncommon for a meeting with Mr Trump to be broadcast live, with the president’s favoured media outlets given priority for questions.
The new breed of White House correspondents includes Cara Castronuova, a former boxer and failed MAGA political candidate who works for pro-Trump propaganda network Lindell TV, which was founded by businessman Mike Lindell (the “My Pillow guy”). Another media identity likely to be in the room is Brian Glenn, boyfriend of Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, the first QAnon believer elected to Congress. Laura Loomer, an influential conspiracy theorist who is close to the president, may also be present. Ms Loomer has rebranded herself as an “investigative journalist” and has her own media platform.
Suggested responses
Our analysis suggests that Mr Trump will welcome you as a “great guy and good friend” but will quickly add words to the effect that ‘”your guy in Washington” (Mr Kevin Rudd) is not such a great guy and that maybe you should “deal with him”. It is suggested that you smile and nod in a noncommittal manner and refrain from comment.
On tariffs, it is likely Mr Trump will make great play out of how unfair the playing field has been to the US and that this can’t go on. It is suggested that you smile and nod in a noncommittal manner and refrain from comment. (Officials will negotiate separately on protecting the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme.)
On the US alliance, it is likely Mr Trump will call on US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to prosecute the case for Australia to spend more on defence. It is suggested that you smile and nod and highlight again the wonderful AUKUS agreement under which Australia undertakes to pay many billions of dollars to the US in return for no guarantees. At this point Mr Trump may pat you on the back and say how great it is to have Australia as a friend.
The correct standard rejoinder to whatever Mr Trump says should be that he is doing a fantastic job and that we look forward to working with him until at least 2036 (two election cycles away) when, our intelligence suggests, he may step aside for his son, Don Jr. On no account should you roll your eyes, appear to lose interest or — worst of all — argue the toss, even in the face of objectively false claims. To do so would risk adverse reaction from Australia’s conservative media.
Yours in sympathy …
(name redacted)
***********
So, you’re saying he should smile as he supports this psychotic psychopathc con man in his desire to be emperor of the world?
Surely you’re joking. Albanese has proved himself enough by now that he is totally weak in every way that’s wrong for a leader of any country.
Nice word salad you got there
ah, yeah Davina… I think he’s joking. Kind of… Abalone the Impordant (thanks again Harry; I’ll never forget you for this gem) will no doubt do exactly as Mr Hardaker has so insightfully suggested
Davina, clearly satire is not your strong suit
I love the humour! Satire seems to be the only way we can deal with the avalanche of drama and nonsense from Donald Trump, and with the local nonsense constantly generated by Angus Taylor. We need an Australian Stephen Colbert! Perhaps he’ll be available next year!
Yes. For the record, this was not for real!
Yes. The whole circus defies any rational analysis. Albanese will do his usual bow and suck up . What else can he do. If he could get rid of the gormless Richard Marles as his side kick then he might have a chance or even Malcolm Turnbull. He knows how to deal with that mad king.
Albo isn’t a ‘weak’ man although you might think so if you are into bully boys like Trump. He is a diplomat and the definition of diplomat is telling someone where to go in a way that makes them look forward to getting there. Albo has the sense not to tangle with a narcissistic sociopath and will smile and nod which is what I expect of him
Well said,Ann Robinson! It is so tiring to read the same tripe about Albo’s ‘weakness’ from men who seem to prefer thoughtless aggression as shown by most Liberal party men.
Well spotted, this a kind of “joking” called satire.
Isn’t it sad that even a cleverly penned satire like this actually has a ring of truth about it?
Angus Taylor and Sussan Ley keep insisting that Albanese needs to meet with Trump as soon as possible but I would have thought that we should give him as wide a berth as possible, knowing that anything that were to be agreed in a meeting would be just as likely to be reversed soon after.
Good comment, Catherine! Some people (and most Yanks) simply can’t appreciate clever satire!
Agreed they don’t have a sense of humour. Belittling somebody or bully tactics gets a laugh in the US and that’s it.
I remember a derogatory comment I made to an elderly american during the later stages of the Vietnam war about the then President. All I got was a wtf quizzical look. How could I be so crass.
Agreed, don’t give him the opportunity.
Probably not far from the truth! 🙂
yep, I’m amazed at the directness & general non satirical naturebof their political cartoons – I receive them on a daily basis from a friend in the states
Oh yes, I agree with all of that. Would the wearing of a face mask help limit the amount of spoken words? Albo just remember, Australia and its inhabitants, we Aussies, are not for sale even to the likes of Trump. As for AUKUS and those subs, yes we would like to cancel the order and agreement, and have our monies returned to us, please. As for Mr. Murdoch, remember he is an old man with more ex wives than you could ever wish for, so please leave him alone. Good luck and a speedy return.
What’s the point of meeting Trump? all he’s interested in is having everybody kiss his ring, either on his hand or his butt, your choice!
And why are we listening to the whiny, self-important brats of the opposition who, let’s face it, are a bunch of media whores and would love to kiss the latter, as long as they are in presence of so-called power.
Maybe Tony Abbott could go and shirt-front Trump, but then as we saw with Putin he’s all piss and hot air.
The only way to deal with Trump and the current mess in the USA is to smile and ignore him. (I know from experience that bullies don’t like being ignored or mocked.) And diversify into other markets.
And for God’s sake let’s not make the mistake of putting all of our eggs into 1 basket. Surely we should have learnt that lesson by now!
Lastly let’s hope that America metaphorically takes a dose of Epsom salts and cleans s#*t out its liver.
Here’s hoping,
As a critic in the boonies, and a non expert on any subject,I might humbly suggest that .Mr.Albanese should avoid any contact with the criminally insane,narcissistic,liar, would be Emperor, and all round gutless loser, at all costs.He’ll be gone, one way or another ,and soon.
Never mind the outraged honkings of the mindless right wing trash media.With any luck they’ll have a collective coronary.Play the long game Albo…like China.
Apart from suggesting he keep taking the tablets.
A meeting no doubt will have some difficulties. Some notable media outlets have fallen for (mostly through lack of any real knowledge or research) the old “alpha male” myth. Criticise Prime Minister Albanese if you wish, but he’s not a whack job.
When Trump was recently elected again I wrote to the New York Times to pass on my observation that Trump was a snake oil salesman surrounded by dangerous people. Also, that he did not satisfy any criteria required of good leadership and that many of us in Australia (and around the world) feel that way about it.
It appears that most politicians and bureaucrats have decided to suck up to this narcissistic fool and bury their dignity for the sake of a better result in negotiations. I encourage everyone that can to show what we really think of his shocking presidency wherever and whenever we can.
Should the PM be monstered by the Trump coterie in the White House conference, his get of Jail card is, “Where’s the dunny? I need a piss!”
It would be a legendary response.
I prefer no way get …… ….off. myself.
Shaun, that’s exactly the line that popped into my mind too!
Now that really WOULD make great television.
The trope of how unpopular Rudd is in American political circles has exactly zero supporting evidence. Time to lay it to rest.
How about
Thank you USA
We have benefited from our 80 year trial period with the British Commonwealth and the American Alliance. As you would be aware neither has worked out well for Australia. I am sure you agree that its time we moved on to befriend countries that are more like us and that means only BRICS+ is available to us. We have made many enemies because of our friendship but we really can’t promise to be on your side in any war against Denmark, After all we have family connections with Danish Royalty. So thanks for any good times that we might seem to have forgotten. We forgive you for the damage you have done to our country. We will be watching your career with interest.
Good to see the public service is rendering such insightful advice. Perhaps, in the interests of soothing the Coalition, Jacinta Price’s MAGA cap could be included in whatever extra gifts are offered – perhaps a Tony Abbott knighthood to go with the Nobel Peace Prize. Surely that’s possible.
Great thinking. Trump would love an Aussie knighthood, for sure.
Yeah, a master plan in the making.
King Charles could do the traditional thing and tap Trump on the shoulders.
But, he might go all Medieval and skewer him like a pig.
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ is becoming frighteningly accurate. In fact, the reactions by Daffy Donald Dump and his fellow minions of political thugs and gangsters, including Vlad the Impaler, to assorted events happening on the planet now, show the panic and aggression that all great empires go through as they enter an inevitable decline, plummeting, in flames as the Western Roman Empire did if we take into account that the Eastern Byzantine wing, lasted for 1000 years but died with a whimper. The Gilead Empire, modelled on the Roman Republic, is no exception. That footnote to history, in the longer term, and with a more sophisticated view of past history, will view him as a sawdust Caesar. Daffy Donald Dump may well be the American Romulus Augustus, and if she won the Presidential Election, Kamala Harris might have been the American Constantine XI Dragases Palaiologos. In fact, if we take a deterministic look into the future, it may end up being the Asian century, with the two superpowers, India and China, competing for world influence as both Gilead and the USSR once did. One point worth mentioning is an organization that is laughingly called. “National Endowment for Democracy”, has either ignored or cosied up to repressive totalitarian US client states from Franco’s Spain, right up to the Thai military regime, still in power, and the current rightwing Central and South American dictatorships and military regimes. GILEAD NEEDS TO SEE THE EMERGENCE OF A STRONGLY PRO-WORKING CLASS MASS DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST PARTY NOW!!!!!!
As to whether Daffy Donald Dump is a fascist or not, there is a simple saying to clarify the issue, ‘If something looks like a dog, wags its tail like a dog, barks like a dog, and sheds like a dog, then it is not to unreasonable to assume that it is, in fact, a dog’. Looking back on history, the first thing the Nazi and the Fascist dictators did, when they destroyed liberal democracy in Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Apartheid-era South Africa, and Israel today, under Benjamin the Butcher Boy, and Gilead, under Daffy Donald Dump, is to destroy and gut an independent judiciary, stacking it with their like-minded stooges, as well as turning the oppressive armed forces of the state, both the Pigs and the military, into personal, politicised goon squads, and intimidating the media (aka the Fourth Estate) from a hypothetically fearless (but not in the Rupert the reprehensible reptile empire) independent check and balance to just another tool of repression at the service of Daffy Donald Dump!!!!!
It’s a pity that Albo the little grey dormouse didn’t show some backbone (unlike his namesake, Francesca Albanese!!!!!). In fact, now that they have a substantial landslide and mandate for progressive and strong policies under their belt, rather than sucking up to Gilead, with its fanatically racist Sinophobia, and bigoted Islamophobia, as Richard Marles, who seems to be a right-wing cold war warrior who has travelled through time from the 1950s/60, to our time, seems very keen to do, (and largely created by Genocidal Joe Biden), so allowing Daffy Donald Dump to win a khaki presidential election. This makes Gilead (aka the USA). Still, the planet’s No. 1 rogue state, by the way, both little grey dormouse canary-coloured Labour jellyfish and the simple superstitious Sus(s)as/dopey Dave toxic totalitarian LNP Political gangsters, are enthusiastically complicit in making Australia a henchman and hitman for the gangsters running Gilead. Don’t forget that it was that gutless amoeba and totally unlamented piece of fish food, and shark snack, Harold Holt, who said, “All the way with LBJ”, so getting us into the disastrous Vietnam quagmire. The only results from our slavish arse licking to Gilead, which is the world’s number 1 rogue state in both its mendacity and brutal imperialist aggression, (before that it was the geriatric Colonel Blimp run and controlled UK, whose smelly brown stained backside we licked!!!), have been uncritical and unquestioning involvement in wars designed to promote and protect Gilead imperialist and capitalist interests from Korea, through to Vietnam. Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Palestine, against people who are not our enemies and who are no threat to us.
I think this is FAKE – any briefing note to the Prime Minister would include more background and security information. Point one would be “On arrival in the United States you may be questioned as to why you are attempting to illegal enter the USA when the President has banned you from entry. You should attempt to explain that you are not the United Nations Special Rapporteur Francesca Albanese, you are in fact the Australian Prime Minister, you may have to explain that Australia is not Austria.” Point two would be “When the Broder Control officials refuse to believe you and put you into immigration detention, make sure your staff check which AIRPORT you will be deported to, asking which country may result in them being told that you are being deported to the country of Africa and any attempt by our staff to clarify world geography may end up in them joining you in detention.” In fact the chances of Albanese making it to Washington is very small and the briefing would reflect this.
You know what? Very good points. The advice should be updated!
Hello Davina,
Have you seriously considered the alternative -presently Sussan Ley – to Albo?
Want Trump to agree to something? Don’t take along advisers and diplomats; take a bikini model.
A great satirical piece in itself that probably runs so close to the actual briefing paper Albo will be given. To be honest I initially thought that a piece from The Betoota Advocate or The Chaser or The Shot had been cut and pasted into this august journal.
No doubt Albo will have a lot on his plate when the meeting ultimately happens. Unfortunately no matter what he does the stone throwers on Sky etc, coupled with the defenestrated opposition squawking out loudly about anything/everything whilst Susan is unable to control the naughty boys like Abbott, Howard, Angus, Paterson and Barnaby baying at the moon, whilst feverishly trying to avoid leadership tussles, will make for interesting political street theatre
Fraudster, serial liar and grifter in addition to extortionist and this is what so called white Christians support? Satire or not, that a huge WOW!
I have not a scintilla of respect for Murdoch, however in this instance, given that he created this nightmare it’s certainly well worth the support to see Murdoch destroy his creation; after all it’s the oligarchy that have reached the end of the road with Trump after being their useful idiot.